Punta Gorda Seventh-day Adventist Church

Scripture: For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Philippians 2:13 (NKJV)

Observation: Man is, in different senses, entirely active, and entirely passive: God producing all, and we acting all. What He produced is our own acts. It is not that God does some, and we the rest. God does all, and we do all. God is the only proper author, we the only proper actors. Thus the same things in Scripture are represented as from God, and from us. God makes a new heart, and we are commanded to make us a new heart; not merely because we must use the means in order to the effect, but the effect itself is our act and our duty (Ez 11:19; 18:31; 36:26) [Edwards]. (Jamieson, R., Fausset, A. R., & Brown, D. (1997). Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible. Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.)

Application: I have often heard individuals use an expression that more than likely came out of Hollywood: “I love him, but I am not in love with him.”  I think what they are trying to say is that they care about the other person but they don’t have the same romantic feelings they once had toward them.  The butterflies don’t flutter in their stomach they once did when they were with the other person.  They have lost the excitement they once had when they were together.  And because they don’t have any of those feelings, they come to me to see if I, as a marriage counselor, will either give them permission to separate or divorce or if I would suggest or encourage divorce as the solution to the predicament in which they find themselves.

To begin with, I explain to them that love is not a feeling – it is a decision.  It’s the decision to care for the other person even when the romantic feelings are not there.  Amy Cuddy, of Harvard University, conducted experiments for her research which showed that our behavior shapes our thinking. . . and our feelings. (You can watch her presentation in a TED conference at http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html).  What she explains, then, is that instead of waiting until we feel a certain way, if we start acting that way we will begin to think and eventually feel that way.  In other words, if I don’t have those romantic feelings toward my spouse, instead of waiting to “feel” romantic toward them I should start “behaving” in a romantic way toward them, and the result is that I will begin to “think” romantically  and even “feel” romantically toward them, which is the ultimate desire we want after all.

While Amy Cuddy’s teachings are based on research, the Apostle Paul provides us with even more powerful help.  Paul tells us that God not only works “in” us the “will” or the desire to want to do something, but also helps us to actually “do” it.  When we commit our life and marriage to God, even if we find ourselves without the romantic feelings toward our spouse, God helps us to want to be loving toward them (that’s the “will” part), and also to take the steps to be loving (that’s the “to do” part).

So, think about it: You may not have those warm, fuzzy feelings you once had toward your spouse, but you do love God and you know He loves you and wants the best for you. What should you do?  (1) Ask God to place in your heart the desire to act lovingly toward your spouse.  (2) Submit yourself to God so that He will show His love through you toward your spouse.  (3) Act lovingly toward your spouse even before you begin to feel it.  The results will be that your attitude will follow your behavior, and at the end your feelings will follow your attitude.  The ultimate result will be a loving, caring relationship, as God designed it to be, and not just simply momentary romantic feelings toward the other person.

A Prayer You May Say: Father God, when the romantic feelings I once had toward my spouse are hard to find, help me to want to love them, and to act lovingly toward them until the caring feelings toward them return and take a firm hold on our relationship so that it may completely reflect our relationship with You.

Used by permission of Adventist Family Ministries, North American Division of Seventh-day Adventists.